Leaving

Leaving. No matter what, the simple fact of leaving the places I've been living in is always difficult and always happens too fast in one way or another.

First time I left my country was probably really sad, not that I remember it very well but it was the first time I left my family for a long period. The very first time was even supposed to be definitive and I was not supposed to come to France for my studies. Happened that it turned out to be very different in the end and that I came back.

Leaving Great-Britain a couple of years ago have certainly not been easy. There is this almost indescribable feeling you have before leaving, just a few days before it actually happens.  I almost felt guilty for leaving; it feels like you are leaving all those people you got to know behind. You know that for some of them you won’t ever see them again. You won’t see some places you used to see every day anymore. You also need to break those habits you took, because after a couple of months living there you just don’t live like you used to. This is very nostalgic, guilty, sad feeling and also very relieving and happy to know you’ll be back in the place that saw you growing up.

I lived this again a second time. Leaving Germany in 2012 was something bound to happen. I knew my place was not supposed to be there even though I dreamt so many times of staying and living in this country. I had to leave to experience new things, study and become myself a bit more. Still I left some friends behind and stayed in touch with some really dear ones. Leaving Germany was not so sad and guilty as what it felt like the first time I had to do this.

Now, I am to leave for the third time. The UK has always brought me so much in my life. Has it been good or bad, this country has always been a synonym of change. I am leaving in a couple of days, and this exact same feeling is coming back again. I am supposed to leave, I made my time here, had some tough ones and leaving is just a huge relief. But I also feel really sad; I love this country to the very core of its soul. I feel guilty that I am leaving it again, that I could not enjoy it as much as I wanted.

I know this is not the last time I am abroad, I know my life is going to be travel orientated and I know for a reason I will be living in an English speaking country for longer than I can yet imagine.

I hate leaving all the time for so many years. Getting used to people, life and country and then leave straight after. I just want to settle down somewhere for a bit and leave whenever I feel it is about time to just go back “home” (when I mean “Home”, I mean France). Life got me from one side of Europe to another for so many years, it feels like leaving GB right now is a sign that somehow there is a huge improvement coming. I think I am just really a grown up now and it’s just time to do grown up stuff like settling down somewhere for a bit.

To those who believe life does not change or that it is just unfair. The wheel does turn because life is about being a cat. It’s about always getting back on our paws when something is happening: may it be good or bad.

I have to say that coming back to the place you are from is also a big challenge. People expect you to be cool and telling them about what you lived and be happy about the fact you are back (yes even if you complained about being abroad does not mean you are any happier to be back… awkward). This is what scares me the most at the moment, I know how I felt last year when I came back from Germany, I felt like I was out of all of this, different from my friends, completely away when they were sometimes talking to me, almost transparent to the situation. It was like when you imagine yourself dying and trying to see what your friends would be like without you, this is how it felt. No one really understands why you are grumpy or unhappy or even slightly depressed, but it’s like being jet lagged and thrown in somewhere you don’t belong to anymore. You’re out of the system.

So to my lovely friends and family, don’t hate me in the coming weeks if I am just not accepting to see you, it’s not being out of love for you. It’s just me getting back to normal life, getting back to what my life used to be 6 months ago, adapting to the person I am now just because I don’t want to lose you all by being a bitch around you.